Ep 04 | Limited by the Respect Due to the Will (Principle #4)
In the last episode, we learned how authority and docility are natural, necessary, and fundamental for our homes. But in her fourth principle, Mason introduces a limitation to these two things: the respect due to the child’s will.
(Okay, so technically she says ‘personality,’ but I’m here to translate that Victorian English for you, and she’s definitely not talking about your kid’s Enneagram type.)
We want children with strong wills who choose what’s good because it’s the right thing to do. But there are just so many ways to get the right behavior with the wrong heart motivator, and that’s what we’re discussing today.
Just remember: what you motivate a child with is what you motivate them towards. And anything other than “For it is right,” is wrong.
Video Resource | Let’s get practical.
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Principle #4: These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.
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Okay, if you haven’t listened to the last episode, you should pause here and go back. Without principle three, you can’t grasp the fullness of principle four. When Mason says “these principles” she’s referring to authority and docility, and my last episode explores how those two things are natural, necessary, and fundamental. But as you can see here in the fourth principle, those two things are also limited.
And that’s where we’re starting today.
But first, let’s do a little Victorian translation. When Mason says “the personality of children” she doesn’t mean if they’re extroverted or lighthearted or pensive or intuitive. She’s not asking for your favorite personality test results. When Mason says personality, it’s more like how we use will.
So, let’s read it again.
These principles are limited by the respect due to the will of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.
Ah, okay. So our authority and the docility of our children are limited by respect due to a child’s will.
How can this be so? Does this mean we have to sit back and wait to see what our children will do? Exactly how does that work?
I hear you. And I ask these questions too. But this is where our dear Miss Mason is going to drive home the point to not manipulate a child in any manner. We are finally going to see the full picture of doing what is right because it is right. If we truly understand children as complete persons, we won’t allow ourselves to malform any part of their person.
Let’s start with Mason’s idea about personality, or, as I think we can translate it: the will. The will is like a muscle; it can be weak or strong, and it has to be worked through exercise to grow. If a child is unable to obey, you know he has a very weak will. When a child can understand and limit their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and choose to do what is right, they have—at least in that moment—a strong will. As children learn to make good choices, they continue to strengthen their will, and this is something that happens over the course of a life. But the key here is the child must be the one to choose to exercise their will in the direction of what’s right. Otherwise, it doesn’t count.
At least, not in the way we want.
We don’t always know what kind of character is developing in our children. Unsettling, I know. But think about it. You could use any one of the things Mason lists in this principle—love, fear, suggestion, influence—and get the desired behavior from your child. They could look, from the outside, like well-behaved, well-mannered, well-ordered little cherubs. But if you’ve dangled treats or formed fears or flamed the desire for emulation, ambition, or status—that’s the direction to which you’ve formed your child’s will.
Whatever you consistently motivate your children with is what you motivate them towards.
Let me tell you now that next episode we’re going to explore the three tools available to the mother-teacher, so don’t worry if, at the end of this episode, you feel like the only tool in your toolbox is to repeatedly say: because it’s right.
There’s more coming.
But for now, I want to do two things with this principle. Today, let’s dig into some of Mason’s most concerning and common ways moms and educators fail to pay respect due to the child’s will. And next week over on Youtube, we’ll explore Mason’s thoughts on the charge “to offend not, despise not, and hinder not” from Matthew 18 as a helpful framework for all of life with your children.
This will be fun. I promise.
First up, we have fear. And I know none of us want to think about the fact that we make our children fearful, but, we do. A child can fear losing a special thing, physical pain, a raised voice or a hurtful remark, rejection, separation, and many other things moms have been known to do in the name of training. There are, of course, natural consequences that may result in a broken toy, a hurt elbow, or a friend wanting to leave a playdate, but when those happen as a result of natural reaction, they become a teaching tool rather than a motivation.
Next is love. It’s actually possible to create what Mason calls a parasitic child by motivating them with their love for you. She actually warns against a teacher being too charming and charismatic because children will aim to please the teacher in everything they do. They’ll wait for an approving smile and be devastated when they don’t get one. While it looks sweet to be adored by little ones, when your approval is all they’re after, you’ve formed a motivation that will demand the praise from anyone they love. And if they’re always grasping to their beloved, it’s parasitic, not loving.
Now we get to the sneakier ones like suggestion. Because we moms know our children so deeply and understand their individual hearts, we know what effect a slight suggestion will have on their minds and behaviors. But controlling their wills in this less obvious way sets a child off to a never-ending float on the ocean. They just move from here to there, constantly changing, never standing firm on anything. How can a child ever grow to be steadfast or firm when they’re so easily influenced by a little idea here, or a little idea there?
But, you may be asking yourself at this point, can you direct a child’s will towards virtue with one of these things? Can’t you suggest it? Or allow a child’s love for you to bring them along with you towards it?
Mason says, very clearly in her sixth book, that you can’t cleverly manipulate a child towards virtue. In fact, she says that when they realize what you’re doing, they’ll hate that virtue.
Okay, the last one before we get to the natural desires is influence. Mason acknowledges that it’s natural and good that we influence each other. Your children should be influenced by you, your husband, and your home life. The danger is in your child being under one, single, constant influence—which could be you. That’s a different sort of thing that doesn’t allow a child to live freely.
I think it’s helpful to keep reminding yourself: when a child has to be prompted all of the time, they don’t develop a good character or a strong will. One way I know I do this sort of prompting is by offering little reminders right as I know my child is about to choose the wrong thing. You know that look they get? I’ll feel like I’m helping them by tossing them a life vest. I’ll say, “Oh, remember, your train track might break if you throw it across the room.” I usually feel pretty good about those reminders; I am, after all, pointing their attention to a natural consequence. But all I’m really doing is shoving them in the direction of what’s good, not letting them grow the muscle or the knowledge as they need to. Yes, the train track might break and if it does, that’s a natural consequence that will teach them: not to throw things and not to disobey mom when she said, “Don’t throw the track,” the first time.
Now, let’s do a quick review of the natural desires, or the wants that are already in all of us. Any one of them can become a nasty ruler that destroys a child’s life.
Since we have a lot of lists today, let’s put this one to music.
The first innate drive in a child is the desire for approval. Who doesn’t know that one? Isn’t that partly why any of us are on Instagram? Anyway, from the outside, this one can look really good; a lot can be accomplished out of the desire for approval. But, ultimately, it forms a vain character and can cripple a child, leaving him obsessed with himself through the approval of others.
Next is emulation, or the desire to be the best. Mother-teachers love this, right? It’s such a motivator for intellectual pursuits but a child ruled by grades, class rank, and rewards has lost the love of learning, a curiosity for God’s world, and the delight of simply knowing something.
Next is a desire for society or social peer groups. Often because children want to be “in” with a particular peer group, they’ll become what Mason describes as “mischievous boys and gossipping girls.” Our children will actually really benefit from some guidance in forming friendships when they’re young. Who you hang out with has a tremendous impact on who you become. Mason encourages children to find others who love learning for learning’s sake. In some ways, she’s giving this recommendation so that children will be able to talk to anyone, regardless of social class. Victorians had a pretty rigid social class structure. But even now, it’s a worthy goal for children to feel comfortable in the company of many types of people, to be able to discuss history, poetry, art, science, economics, adventure, literature. We wouldn’t want them to only be able to talk about today’s weather or what they just saw on social media, would we?
Closing out the natural desires, Mason quickly lists ambition, power, and status. In ways we all know, these cripple a soul and turn a person inward towards self.
All right, thanks, music.
Now, there is one more natural desire in our children. It’s the desire to know. But, as most of us homeschooling moms have guessed, it’s often pushed aside in education. We think children will find knowledge boring or think it’s as fun as getting a splinter out, when it’s actually something they crave like really good food. This is why we disguise learning—both in school and at home. We’re disguising learning when we use grades, prizes, tricks, and games. A child’s mind, when dependent on these crutches, loses the power that develops his mind. We want them to be interested in a wide variety of things, to have a guiding purpose, and to love, think, and act in a way that honors God and their fellow image bearer.
Ask yourself: are you satisfied by and content with the random facts and scraps of information you get from your phone each day? Do those fragmented snippets of information or the amusing way you receive them please you? Or do you need good books? Interesting conversation? Time for reflection and observation? Knowledge is fascinating. Learning is incredible. Let’s set the atmosphere in our homes to show our children we believe this to be true and act in a way that shows it to be true.
We’re doubling down on the fact that children—every single child—want to know everything. When we do that, home education begins to look really simple all of a sudden. It isn’t the perfect child-sized school room or the elaborate unit studies or the never-ending prize rotation in order to get a child to read a book. Education is less of a contrived effort of trickery and shenanigans because our belief in the nature of a child gives us confidence.
Every time one of those inferior desires is stimulated and grows, the desire for knowledge is suppressed and diminishes. Just as we aim to support the child’s will as it grows, we have to support their natural desire to learn.
Knowledge for its own sake, shared on its own terms, is pleasing for a child because it fulfills them, it touches them with the immaterial in the deepest parts of who they are. And isn’t it unreal that we get to be a part of that?
Imagine the day you share your favorite poem with one of your kids and you see, in her sweet little face, that she’s delighted by the words and the imagery, that she’s pleased to know something so lovely, that she shares your love for that favorite farmer poet—that’s a moment of knowledge, of connection, of bonding together as persons. It’s a knitting together of hearts, it’s being drawn towards goodness together, it’s forming you both towards God’s love in his world.
Because if we respect our children as full persons and try our very best not to manipulate their wills, if we make knowledge for knowledge’s sake the goal of our home education, then every faculty of the soul will work together to the same end. To truth, goodness, and beauty.
I’ll see you guys in two weeks.
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